


Wherever I Go, You Will Bring Me Home

by derheck



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Texting, because texting fics are like the only things i can write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 14:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12633465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derheck/pseuds/derheck
Summary: Sol 20710:56 Taako: so before we leave to watch Magnus get his ass beat, quick question10:56 Taako: did the mongooses from back home have prehensile penises, asking for a friendAka an AU (?) where the IPRE has a group chat to keep each other updated on their day to day findings of the new worlds they explore





	1. Cycle 1 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: there is now an added art!!!! shout out to my darling goose, the loml, who drew the magnus and lucretia selfie it's beautiful, i cried, and made it my phone wallpaper for many weeks

**[Davenport has created this thread]**

Sol 12  
  
**08:01 Davenport:** In an effort to lessen Lucretia’s workload and make it easier for her to write about our experiences, I’ve opened this group messaging thread so that we can all share our findings of this new world. This way, Lucretia can choose what to actually write and what to omit, as she will have consistent documentation from all parties. Additionally, we will all be aware of what everyone else is doing, which may be useful for all of us, in case one person’s findings benefits another’s.

 **08:02 Taako:** first

 **08:02 Magnus:** first  
**08:02 Magnus:** dammit

 **08:03 Taako:** too slow, buckaroo ;)

 **08:03 Davenport:** Please, this is strictly for research purposes. If you would like to goof off, please do it elsewhere; perhaps in another group messaging thread or in real life, seeing as how you are both sitting beside each other.  
**08:04 Davenport:** Actually, please keep real life goofing off to a minimum, we can’t take damage to our ship. Also this is a new world and we must remain vigilant.

* * *

 

Sol 24

**11:34 Lup:** Luce, please make note that today, on our mission to learn more about this Animal Kingdom, Taako fell flat on his face onto literal bull shit

 **11:35 Barry:** It's important that we remember this. For science.

 **11:38 Lucretia:** Got it.

 **11:42 Taako:** fuck all of you

* * *

 

Sol 34

**16:31 Taako:** things I was expecting: the wild mongooses to love me and make me their king  
**16:31 Taako:** things that happened: the wild mongooses loving barold most

* * *

 

Sol 43

**12:18 Lup:** All hail our Mongoose King:  
**12:18 Lup:** _attached image_ [image description: Barry asleep on a soft bed of grass, glasses askew, the baby mongoose curled up at his side]

 **12:20 Magnus:** holy shit we can send pictures on this thing???

 **12:21 Lup:** we can now

 **12:24 Magnus:** _attached image_ [image description: blurry selfie of himself with Lucretia, smiling shyly and looking maybe a little uncomfortable]

  
**12:24 Magnus:** hell yeah

 **13:42 Davenport:** Just a reminder, folks, this thread is for research purposes.

* * *

 

Sol 61

**04:28 Davenport:** Why is the fire alarm going off right now

 **04:28 Barry:** Uh

 **04:29 Lup:** Sorry, it's not animal research related so can't talk about it here :)

* * *

 

Sol 75

**18:30 Lucretia:** Whoever is making dinner, the spaghetti pot is overflowing

 **18:30 Lup:** fuck

 **18:30 Taako:** fuck

* * *

 

Sol 92

**02:43 Barry:**   I do not want to be involved in this prank war

 **09:02 Barry:**   I am going to win this prank war

* * *

 

Sol 102

**18:46 Magnus:** hi, can you guys please stop making sex noises at the dinner table?  
**18:46 Magnus:** I am trying to enjoy my meatloaf

 **18:47 Lup:** Excuse me, I am having a civilized conversation with my brother and co-worker.

 **18:47 Magnus:** maybe have that conversation using actual words then? and not just grunts

 **18:48 Taako:** get ur mind out of the gutter, my dude, it's the language here  
**18:48 Taako:** also r u maybe implying that we can’t be having a civilized conversations sans words?

 **18:49 Magnus:** you’re… just grunting

 **18:50 Lup:** We are *practicing* this world’s language.

 **18:50 Barry:** Really, Magnus, we’ve been here for so long, it’s important that you learn the language and be able to communicate with the other inhabitants of the world.

 **18:51 Magnus:** uhm first of all, that’s bullshit. I’ve been here long enough to recognize what the actual language is  
**18:51 Magnus:** and the shit you’re doing is not the language, you are just fucking with me

 **18:52 Merle:** Calm down, children.

 **18:52 Taako:** lol

 **18:53 Lup:** You’re not our real dad.

 **18:53 Magnus:** YEAH

 **18:54 Davenport:** Guys, please. No stones at the dinner table. And as a reminder, this thread is for professional communications only.  
**18:55 Davenport:** Also, don’t talk to your dad like that.

* * *

 

Sol 128

**16:45 Lup:** Merle, where are you, we got some unruly plants here you might like  
**17:01 Lup:** Dad.  
**17:35 Lup:** Father.  
**17:56 Lup:** Padre.

 **17:58 Magnus:** bad news, Lup.  
**17:58 Magnus:** *both* of our fathers are gone

 **18:01 Lup:** Oh no!!!! Now who will contribute sarcastic commentary to situations with me

 **18:02 Magnus:** who will play catch with me :(

 **18:03 Lup:** who will tell us that this thread is for research purposes only :(

 **18:03 Davenport:** This thread is for research purposes only.

 **18:04 Lup:** :D Dad!

* * *

 

Sol 143

**10:05 Merle:** Davenport made a friend  
**10:05 Merle:** _attached image_ [image description: Davenport and a falcon engaged in a staring contest]

* * *

 

Sol 157

**13:27 Merle:** I have also made a friend  
**13:27 Merle:** _attached image_ [image description: Merle standing beside a tree, throwing up a peace sign, as a giant yellow Burmese python wraps around him]

 **13:30 Magnus:** what the fuck

* * *

 

Sol 179

**14:02 Lucretia:** Magnus just remembered he brought two months worth of hard candy on this trip  
**14:11 Lucretia:** “Hey wanna see how many of these babies I can fit in my mouth”

 **14:16 Barry:** Magnus, don’t put babies in your mouth

 **14:18 Lucretia:** He’s still doing it  
**14:20 Lucretia:** And now he’s choking.

 **14:36 Magnus:** For anyone curious, it was 56 hard candies

* * *

 

Sol 205

**15:47 Merle:** Good news: Dav and I found the light!

 **15:53 Lucretia:** That’s great! Where is it?

 **16:02 Merle:** That's the bad news- it’s near the high court, with the power owl and the power wolf and the power bear, and we can't get to it.

 **16:02 Davenport:** It’s okay, though, because we still have time. We just have to figure out a way to get to the light before it’s too late.

 **16:10 Barry:** I mean, Taako, Lup, and I got pretty close to the mongooses, but I don’t think that will do much with the court animals. Thankfully we can communicate with them.

 **16:12 Magnus:** I have an idea.

 **16:13 Davenport:** By all means, please share.

 **16:13 Magnus:** I’m gonna … fucking fight the power bear.

 **16:14 Taako:** … do it

* * *

 

Sol 207

**10:56 Taako:** so before we leave to watch Magnus get his ass beat, quick question  
**10:56 Taako:** did the mongooses from back home have prehensile penises, asking for a friend


	2. Cycle 1 Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 12:01 Barry: it’s so weird to just crave burgers when we had dinner with some cows last week  
> 12:02 Barry: like… they would be the burgers  
> 12:19 Barry: I think i’m going vegan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love cows
> 
> s/o to the ppl who put up w my sending screenshots of my progress w this chapter and giving me encouragement  
> also thank you so so so much to everyone who's been reading this ily'all
> 
> (note: this chapter was shorter bc i wanted to finish this cycle also because i like did over half the cycle last chapter.. my hope is to do like a cycle a chapter from now on ok thank s u)

Sol 207  


**13:05 Magnus:**  … that is one big bear  
**13:05 Magnus:**  i can take him right  
**13:06 Magnus:**  vote now on your stones  


**13:07 Lucretia:**  No  


**13:08 Taako:**  no seconded  
**13:08 Taako:**  but do it anyway

\---

 **14:23 Taako:** hi what the fuCK  
**14:25 Taako** :  i can’t believe that giant bear just adopted magnus  


**14:25 Magnus:**  hell yeah now i’m gonna be a bear  


**14:27 Lup:**  I mean, you kind of already are  


**14:28 Barry:**  Oh my god  


**14:31 Davenport:** Guys, please.  Research purposes.  Only.  


**14:42 Lup:** :)

 

* * *

Sol 215  


**11:43 Magnus:** QUICK question  
**11:43 Magnus:**  what is strength  
**11:43 Magnus:**  like… True Strength  


**11:45 Taako:**  being able to bench press me but like with your pinky  


**11:47 Magnus:**  no apparently it’s not flexing or shit like that  


**11:55 Taako:**  then i’m shit out of ideas sorry dude

 

* * *

 

Sol 235  


**12:01 Barry:**  it’s so weird to just crave burgers when we had dinner with some cows last week  
**12:02 Barry:**  like… they would be the burgers  
**12:19 Barry:**  I think i’m going vegan  


**12:31 Merle:**  oh so you love animals so much you’re just going to kill all plants  
**12:31 Merle:**  what an asshole  


**12:35 Barry:**  What? No  
**12:35 Barry:**  Animals are just different… they’re cute and alive, you know  


**12:37 Merle:**  and my rosebush _isn’t_ cute and alive?    


**12:46 Taako:**  wow barold didn’t know you were like that

 **  
12:54 Barry:** :(

 

* * *

 

Sol 253  


**10:42 Lup:**  check out this weird dog  
**10:42 Lup:**   _attached image_ [image description: cow]  


**11:21 Davenport:**  Weird dogs count as animal research… Carry on.

 

* * *

Sol 286  
  
  
**15:14 Magnus:**  what is true strength take two  


**15:22 Merle:**  kicking ass  
**15:23 Merle:**  you know you’re the strongest and can beat anyone up  


**15:25 Magnus:** no sweet poflo ;-;

 

* * *

Sol 298  


**13:21 Lup:**   motherfucker  
**13:21 Lup:**  the cows love me and i am their queen  
**13:24 Lup:**  guess who’s also going vegan  
**13:24 Lup:**  (it’s me)  


**13:56 Barry:**  :D

 

* * *

Sol 309  


**23:12 Taako:**  to whomstever is holding my blue fantasy nail polish hostage,  
**23:12 Taako:**  give it the fUCK back

 

* * *

Sol 330  


**16:29 Magnus:**  third time’s the charm… any other ideas?  Re: true strength?  


**16:31 Lucretia:**  Protecting others?  


**16:33 Magnus:**  No :((( I said that too and it’s wrong and honestly this is so hard I need help  
**16:33 Magnus:** OH WAIT FUCK  
**16:33 Magnus:**  i got it thanks everyone bye

 

* * *

Sol 342  


**21:56 Lup:**  LUCRETIA IS SO GOOD AT DRAWING FUCC  
**21:56 Lup:**  LOOK A THIS SHIT  
**21:57 Lup:**   _attached image_ [a quick sketch done in pen on a napkin, depicting the IPRE as animals.  Barry is a mongoose, Lup is a cow, Taako is a toucan and is perched on Lup’s shoulder.  Merle is a raccoon making a peace sign, Davenport is a star-nose mole, Lucretia is a cat, and Magnus is a bear behind them all]  


**22:01 Magnus:**  i want this tattooed on my ass  


**22:13 Lucretia:**  Uh.  Thank you?

 

* * *

Sol 357  


**18:15 Magnus:**  uhhh I fucking did it  
**18:16 Magnus:**  I have won over the power bear and they’re gonna discuss giving us the light of creation

 

* * *

Sol 365  


**10:44 Taako:**  so uh.. the power animals deliberating for this long isn’t exactly a good sign is it  


**10:45 Barry:**  They don’t seem as eager to kill us this time around, so I guess _that’s_ a good sign  


**10:47 Taako:**  I need them to hurry, I’m bored.  


**10:49 Davenport:**  Children… this is for research.  Also please stop texting while we’re kind of on trial.  It’s rude.

**\---**

**11:05 Lucretia:**  Hey, are you guys seeing this?  


**11:06 Merle:**  Fuck.  We gotta go.  


**11:06 Magnus:** Wait, we have to help them.  
  
\---

 **11:46 Taako:**  Magnus, you fucking dick, pick up your goddamn stone and get on the fucking ship.  We will leave without you, I swear to god.  

 

* * *

**Cycle 2 Sol 1**  
  


**12:00 Taako:**  ok hi what the fuck  


**12:00 Magnus:**  well… that happened

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying so hard to not abandon this fic... pls be patient 
> 
> also taak is deffo worried for mango  
> also check out this buzzfeed article on cows https://www.buzzfeed.com/hilarywardle/highland-cows-are-just-adorable-big-floofy-dogs
> 
> And here's the source of the cow pic https://jilldennison.com/tag/fluffy-cows/


	3. Lava Land starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone (Cycle 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sol 204  
> 15:28 Taako: dadnport is making me apologize  
> 15:29 Taako: so like sorry for trying to liven things up with a fun game of the floor is lava 
> 
> 15:32 Lucretia: It was maybe not the best thing to suddenly scream out in the middle of dinner, while we are on a lava planet, wherein the floor becoming lava and us all dying is a genuine concern. 
> 
> 15:33 Merle: to be fair, it did liven things up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: the first chapter now has some kick ass art, drawn by the talented goose-chan (laura) so check that shit out xx

**Cycle 2**

Sol 1 

**12:00 Taako:**  ok hi what the fuck

 **12:00 Magnus:**  well… that happened

 **12:00 Magnus:** are we…. immortals?

 **12:01 Lup:** we could be… immortals…

 **12:01 Magnus:** immortals?

 **12:02 Lup:** just you know… maybe not for long…

 **12:02 Barry:**  I love fantasy Fall Out Boy just as much as anyone, but…

 **12:02 Davenport:** Could we please focus.  We are having a verbal discussion currently.

 **12:03 Barry:**  Yes, that.

 **12:04 Taako:** hey barold?

 **12:04 Barry:** Yeah?

 **12:05 Taako:** and live with me forever now

 **12:06 Barry:** oh my god

 **12:07 Davenport:** I need a drink.

* * *

 

Sol 11 

**13:56 Taako:**  mmmmgmgmmgm how long is this fucking flyover supposed to last anyway

 **13:57 Barry:** We still haven’t seen the Light of Creation and we wanna get down as close as possible to retrieve it as fast as possible

 **13:57 Taako:** but i’m boooooored  
**13:58 Taako:** can’t we just like… touchdown for a lil bit, spread out legs, walk on solid ground again?  for like… a second

 **14:00 Barry:** We are flying over a lava planet, Taako.

 **14:00 Taako:** _so?_

 **14:01 Magnus:** yeah!!! So?

 **14:05 Taako:** barry, i saw u check ur fucking stone and put it away, don’t ignore our very reasonable questions

* * *

 

Sol 31 

**10:23 Taako:** lmao guys check it  
**10:24 Taako:**   _attached video_ [video description:  the video begins with Taako in the shot, his stone on selfie mode.  “Check it,” he says, grinning mischievously, lifting up one of Magnus’ bags of hard candy, and shaking it.  He walks and sets the bag down and switches to the front camera.  He then proceeds to take one of the hard candies out of the bag and drops it into the lava below him.  He does this multiple times, each time exaggerating the “ooohs” and “aaahs” as he sees the lava bubble in reaction to the candy.  Suddenly, we hear Magnus’ voice go “Hey!  Those are mine!”  A small tussle ensues, ending with the bag of candies getting knocked over, all of the candies spilling into the pit of lava.  Taako zooms in on the bubbling lava’s bigger reaction.  Silence as the camera pans over to Magnus, who abruptly stands up and says “I have more shit we can throw into the lava.”  End of video.]

* * *

 

Sol 54 

**23:42 Barry:** Why is everyone blaring fantasy Jimmy Buffett?

 **23:43 Merle:** It’s five o’clock somewhere!

 **23:45 Barry:** No, it’s almost midnight.  
**23:45 Barry:** Also that’s not even Jimmy Buffett’s song,

 **23:46 Merle:** he features in it

 **23:47 Barry:** Touche.  
**23:48 Barry:** Well bump that shit, I guess.

* * *

 

Sol 77 

**11:05 Lup:** Taako and I are doing lava experiments and…  
**11:05 Lup:  
**   
**11:06 Lup:** she buble

 **11:10 Lucretia:** She’s beautiful.

 **11:12 Lup:** _cronch_

* * *

 

Sol 92 

**15:34 Magnus:** I wanna go swimmin’... in it.   

 **15:40 Merle:** What the fuck are you talkin about, bud

 **15:42 Magnus:** In the lava.  Or magma.  Idk which is which  
**15:42 Magnus:** I would also be content with just playing in it.

 **15:46 Merle:** I think it’s magma

 **15:51 Barry:** It’s lava.    
**15:52 Barry:** Also, you can’t play in lava, it’s no fun.  You can only die in lava.

 **15:55 Magnus:** Maybe this kind won’t.

 **15:56 Barry:** It pretty much instantly destroyed everything you and Taako have thrown into it.  

 **16:01 Magnus:** @scientists, you shouldn’t have named them pools of lava if you didn’t want people diving into them

* * *

 

Sol 112 

**02:43 Taako:** would you rather shit yourself a little bit every time you sneezed (like just enough to leave a mark) or you can only listen to fantasy glee’s discography?  

 **02:56 Lup:** Taako, you are my brother and I love you but, from the bottom of my heart  
**02:56 Lup:** _what the fuck_

 **02:59 Taako:** wdym lulu  
**02:59 Taako:** i think it’s a thought provoking question  
**03:14 Taako:** answer the question u cowards

* * *

 

Sol 141 

**09:43 Taako:** it’s been nearly half a year and you’d think that seeing shit boil in lava would get old but nah, shit’s still fucking gold  
**09:49 Taako:** _lov the sizzle_

* * *

 

Sol 163 

**03:56 Taako** :  what even is the difference between magma and lava

 **04:00 Barry:** Magma is when it’s inside the planet, lava is when it comes out

 **04:02 Taako:** oh so the lava’s out?

 **04:03 Lup:** @ the lava, ur valid

 **07:45 Davenport** :  Remember when this messaging thread was used to talk about research…

* * *

 

Sol 187 

**13:19 Lup:** Attention, everyone… we have a traitor in our midst  
**13:20 Lup:** Merle fucking Hitower Highchurch… has been growing lettuce and carrots and peas and other vegetables in his room… and he’s been keeping them from us  
**13:21 Lup:** That dwarf has _deprived_ us of _fresh veggies_  
**13:21 Lup:** _give us the greens old man_

 **13:22 Merle:** >:3

* * *

 

Sol 204 

**15:28 Taako:** dadnport is making me apologize  
**15:29 Taako:** so like sorry for trying to liven things up with a fun game of the floor is lava  

 **15:32 Lucretia:** It was maybe _not_ the best thing to suddenly scream out in the middle of dinner, while we are on a lava planet, wherein the floor becoming lava and us all dying is a genuine concern.  

 **15:33 Merle:**  to be fair,it did liven things up

* * *

 

Sol 231 

**01:46 Magnus:** Can birds get allergies?

 **01:52 Taako:**  ….why didn’t you ask this in the last cycle

* * *

 

Sol 256 

**15:02 Lucretia:** We never did finish discussing possible theories about our regenerations, did we?

 **15:05 Barry:** No, but I have been thinking hard about it.  There’s so many questions; is it only at the beginning of a new cycle or is it instant?  Are regenerations limited?  Was it just a one time thing?    
**15:06 Barry:** Obviously, there’s not really a good way to test it out…

 **15:09 Taako:** sure there is  
**15:09 Taako:** mango grab ur snorkeling gear, ur going swimming

 **15:09 Magnus:** :DDDD

 **15:10 Davenport:** Nope, stop, absolutely not.

 **15:11 Magnus:** But, dad!  It’s for _science_!  (Barry write it down).  And Merle can heal me!

 **15:12 Merle:** Yes.

 **15:12 Davenport:** No.

 **15:13 Magnus:** :(

* * *

 

Sol 273 

**10:21 Davenport:** Barry, I appreciate you trying to cook breakfast for everyone but...

 **10:22 Taako:** how  _dare_ you.  you are banned from my kitchen 

 **10:23 Magnus:** I mean, that's a little harsh.  It was sort of edible...

 **10:24 Taako:** no, stop.  it was bad.  
**10:24 Taako:** i'd throw it in the lava but that would be a waste of melting.

* * *

 

Sol 298 

**011:15 Lucretia:** “Bubbling lava pools are just Jacuzzis for people who aren’t pussies.” -Magnus Burnsides, IPRE Head of Security

* * *

 

Sol 321 

**17:35 Lup:** Hey, boss, Lucy pointed out that she saw some bits of green in our last fly around, do you think the Light could be making life or some shit?

 **17:36 Davenport:** That is very possible, let’s check it out.  Good work, team.

 **17:38 Lup:** >:3c

* * *

 

Sol 346 

**12:06 Taako:** confession time, i fucking hate it here  
**12:06 Taako:** it’s hot and i’m sweaty and it’s taken us… way too long to get to this light orb

 **12:07 Lup:** lmao, koko, we told u not to wear ur favorite pair of heels on our lava trek

* * *

 

Sol 360 

**18:35 Davenport:** Okay so, we have the light, I think it’s best that we go ahead and stay in the air on the Starblaster for the remainder of the cycle.  Yes, it does look like we will regenerate if anything happens to us, but let’s avoid death via lava when running away from the Thing, shall we?  

 **18:36 Magnus:** perfect plan, cap’nport.  But i forgot something, hold on a sec

 **18:38 Lucretia:** What could you have possible forgotten?  There’s no people, we’ve spent most of this cycle inside the Starblaster…  
**18:38 Lucretia:** Holy shit.  
**18:38 Lucretia:** Did he just?

 **18:39 Lup:** LMAO!!! MY BOY!!! HE DID THAT!!!

 **18:40 Taako:** well i guess that answers the question about instant regeneration

* * *

 

**Cycle 3**

Sol 1 

**12:00 Lucretia:** Well??

 **12:00 Magnus:** Worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u to the people who have read this and are reading this ilysm and also thank u to the ppl who helped me think of things to write when i got hit with some writer's block xx 
> 
> the lava bubble pic is from: https://www.geek.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/lava-2-625x352.jpg   
> you can watch this cool video where it's from aka scientists who fuckin poured lava on ice https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yvSmPqqZB3Q
> 
> i'm blupsjeans on tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> Ideally, I would like to have this cover the whole 100 years of the Stolen Century arc, especially an expansion on the years we didn't learn about, so let's hope my attention span will allow me to do so. 
> 
> Also, Lucretia I think is the type to be really quiet at first and not participate too much in this sort of group activity, but she will when she starts feeling more confident, so I'm excited for that. 
> 
> (Also 2.0, if anyone has any suggestions for things that can happen, or headcanons or whatever, and would like to share, please let me know!)
> 
> I'm andthenweseelup on tumblr xx


End file.
